So let me go ahead and tell you what the hospital diagnosed me with: Major Depression, recurrent and severe Bipolar Type II, Post Traumatic Stress, and Depression. If you're like me reading that, it all seems a bit redundant. What was even more upsetting to me was that no one ever discussed the diagnosis with me. I had to do all the research on Bipolar Type II on my own. With all the reading and discussion had with friends who also have the disorder, I am wondering if I do in fact have bipolar, or if I'm acting as if I've been given a placebo pill- you know, you act a certain way because someone tells you to. My moods have ranged from manic (very energetic and hyper) to crashing hard with depression (isolating myself and thinking bad thoughts). Thank God, I have always had someone near me to help me through those depressive states.
It's such a shocking sight to see for those who know me well to see me this way. Over Thanksgiving, I was in Lufkin, spending time with my favorite aunt and cousins. They were so supportive, yet worried about me, as they don't understand why this is hitting me so hard and truly changing me. I cry every time I think about the support that God has placed in my life as I go through this- it's overwhelming, yet I am so incredibly grateful and honored to be surrounded with such amazing, understanding people.
**I had no idea that my past students would find this blog, and when the comments and messages poured in, it broke my heart that they read all of that very open post. I have been so blessed with amazing students throughout my 4 years of teaching- my compassion for them never wavers, and I want to publicly state here (and I hope you are reading this) that I love my past students so very much, and you are helping me stay strong. You mean so much to me, and I have rewritten all your words of encouragement on paper and posted them around my room, so I can read them every single day.**
I have had some big blows thrown my way in the past few weeks. The diagnosis was one thing to try and understand, and then the medications that the hospital put me on are just now working their way into my system, making me feel so out of control. I feel sick, nauseated, weak, and sometimes like I want to jump out of my skin. I really think I was overmedicated, and it angers me that the hospital didn't keep me longer to monitor how the meds would affect me. So now, I'm taking on the hard task of slowly weaning myself down to smaller doses. I'm also doing a lot of research on the meds that I have been taking for nearly a month now- as some may have bad interactions with them, and unfortunately many are addictive. After having a long discussion with my new BFF (my precious and empowering roommate from the hospital) and her mom, I'm considering switching to homeopathic methods for healing.
I was also informed just last week that the NYC DOE denied my leave for restoration of health because I left the tri-state area. This was a huge blow, as this now denies me disability to pay for all the medical bills that are under not only my belt, but my family, who has been trying their hardest to support me. I am determined to fight it- I will not just allow them to send me a letter and stand by when I feel like I deserve not only my paychecks that they have been withholding, but also the money from the UFT that will aid in sustaining my progress in healing.
There are many positives- I don't want you to think that I'm wallowing constantly in self-doubt or thinking the glass is half-empty. I have found a DBSA group, which stands for Depression Bipolar Support Alliance, to attend to share my experience with my own depression. I've also found a Rape Support group which I will start attending this Wednesday. This is a HUGE step for me, because in the past I refused to go to these meetings because I felt as if my experience was nothing compared to what I thought most women have gone through. I felt that since my rape wasn't violent, that I didn't belong in a group. I've learned though, after talking to quite a few survivors of this awful act, that rape is rape- there is no degree that does not deserve support. Honestly, for years, I believed the DA in College Station who told me that I wasn't raped, and that was what really prevented me from getting any help. I'm so glad to finally admit that I was raped and get the help I need.
This will be a long journey, and I do want to share it. Some of you know that I have been working on a YA novel about a young girl who struggles with who she is and battles depression- if it's not clear now, that girl was/is me, and I had put that novel aside for a long time. I am now picking it back up again and working on it. I want to help others, so they don't feel alone and they realize there is always a way up and out of the downward spiral they feel they are so trapped in.
I will leave this post with my quote of the week- this is for anyone who is insecure about who they are, as there is such truth to these words, and I hope that you share it with others.
"People often say that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves."
- Salma Hayek, actress.
No comments:
Post a Comment