Lately I've noticed that I've been acting very stubborn. Stubborn about a lot of things. Stubborn to get up early in the morning, stubborn to actually accomplish anything on my "to do" list, stubborn to work on myself, stubborn to write as much as I need to, stubborn to use this time to be creative, and stubborn to make friends here.

When I left NYC, my heart broke into so many pieces because I did not want to leave my friends. These people are not like any other people I've ever met. They are unique, funny, cultured, supportive, selfless, and accepting. It's taken years and years for me to really open myself up to people because of betrayal in my past, and my best friends in New York broke through that hard wall. They have my heart, and I miss them terribly. I was worried about moving back home to Texas. I left this state for good reasons. I left a lot of people behind that needed to be left, because they had kept me down. I ran away from those who used me and abandoned me when I needed them.

I knew that by coming back to Texas, I would have to start all over. Of course, I have people I've kept in contact with- not necessarily "real" contact, because Facebook is just a website where you add people you either went to high school or met randomly through someone else. It's not the kind of site where you only add those you are incredibly close with and know you backwards and forwards, otherwise everyone with an account would have under twenty-five friends. However, that social website is my starting ground- as far as my past acquaintances. It's up to me to reach out to these people and try my hardest to prove that I can be a friend so they can be mine. It's a lot of work to find the right friends- anyone can make them, but when you want REAL friends, it's hard. And I definitely do not want to replace my favorites back in NYC. But, God, I really need some good people here.

I've got to fight my stubborn mind, get over the possible excuses that may come, the rejections or ignores, and just try. Make an effort to get close to these people in Texas who I've either never given the chance to get close to me, or never even met before.

Appreciation is a word that I know so well, especially now, and I know for a fact that I am blessed with what I have been given so far in life, but I also understand that I have to work for what I want, and what I need will come when the time is right. It's something hard to remember, but necessary to understand.