When I moved home from NYC there were definitely some big demons active in my life, demons that were taking direct action from the devil himself. I fought to gain some sort of light. I started attending church again, became a member of a Sunday School class, and even joined a weekly bible study. My demons were strong, though, and fought even harder to keep me down. By November, I took my last action; I entered myself into a psychiatric hospital. At that point, I had nearly given up, and I honestly believed that if I couldn't get help there, I wouldn't survive. While in the hospital, as many of you have read, I received an amazing support system and tools to get me on the road to recovery. My faith strengthened, as I continued my bible study every day, and even had someone from Second Baptist come up to pray over me. Everyday I felt stronger and safer.
The day that I left the hospital was hard, but at the same time freeing. I felt like I was leaving all my demons behind. I got right back into bible study and attending church. Everything was looking up, and of course, that didn't make the devil happy. My mom and my cousin, Megan, would continue to tell me to be strong and keep going, to listen and be aware of those temptations, to ignore the awful things that were whispered in my ear. It was hard, really hard, but I felt like I was putting up a good fight. What I didn't realize is that the devil is an expert in manipulation and tricking you into thinking that you're still on the right path. Just a few twists and turns here and there, and all of a sudden you look up and notice that you are on a completely different road.
I fell off.
This time was different though. In the past, when I was swept off my feet, I allowed my body and emotions to be carried further than ever expected. This time, however, I only allowed myself to go so far. It took me longer than I had wanted, but still . . . I was growing and leaving the negativity behind.
I ended a relationship that honestly never should have started in the first place, and haven't once looked back- something I have never ever been able to accomplish until I had just about buried myself in misery. I had finally listened to the voices in my head that were telling me, "something isn't right," when for the past three months I ignored them.
From that decision, God has blessed me in more ways than I could ever possibly feel like I deserve. It hasn't once stopped, and very morning I wake up so excited to see what He has in store for me.
This mission to Africa that I have coming up was starting to look like it was all just a dream, as I still needed $2,500 two Sundays ago. Within just four days, I was given about $2,000 from people I have never meet, or barely spoken to in years, and others that I haven't had the opportunity to really get to know. It was as if God was saying, "Hey! Don't worry about this. I got it!"
Last weekend, I was at a car dealership, and my dealer, Joe, was such an amazing man (I know it's hard to swallow being that he's a car salesman). He's a strong Christian man and a former counselor, who just happens to have a lot of experience with domestic violence. I truly believe, and he did too, that we were meant to meet that day. There were so many things that he said to me that were not his words, but God's. I've always had a hard time moving on from hurt, always. This man said over and over again a phrase that I will keep with me for the rest of my life:
"Your tomorrow may very well begin today.
It was such a simple phrase, but one that spoke to so clearly in that moment. Again, God was blessing me, speaking through Joe to teach me and help me grow even more. What's even more incredible was that Sunday, in church, the sermon spoke about talking to God and how to keep our eyes and ears open to His word and His guidance. And get this, the preacher, Mr. Ben Young, had written a poem, and one of the lines in it was, "Don't worry about tomorrow when you have today."
Ah.Maz.Ing.
Within just a month I have learned more about myself and my path than I have ever thought possible. I know now to listen to God over my desires, to pay attention to how I truly feel, and not how I "should" feel, and more importantly, to focus on how I can serve, not be served. I am a vessel so willing to be filled.
I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO AFRICA!!!!
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