Beauty in the Breakdown

Just recently, since I've been home, I started digging around for old journals. Reading through the ones that were online, and sorting through the few that were actually handwritten. There was a specific entry that I found in this beautiful red journal that I had started writing in since watching the movie, "Benjamin Button."  The entry is from January 4, 2009, and it really hit me, especially with everything that has happened, how passionate I am about helping others, even if it involves my own pain, and my ability to acknowledge my own feelings.  I wanted to share it here.


January 4, 2009

I've always thought pain was beautiful.
I don't mean the broken bones and gory stuff.
I mean the hard stuff you go through and experience throughout your life. 


I've even found myself envying those who have hurt more than I have. I think it is because of the fact that they survived and kept living is amazing to me.


There's a lyric by Imogen Heap that I've always liked . . . 

"There's beauty in the breakdown"

The song it's found in plays near the end of one of my favorite movies, Garden State. This guy in the movie was told his entire life that he needed medication to cope with this pain- a pain that he took the blame for. A complete accident. But then he has these eye-opening  experiences when coming home that take him out of his coma of guilt and shame.

It's happened to me a few times. I used to revel in my pain. I don't remember why- but it felt like a coma, yet comfortable. And then something would happen or someone would come along to pull me out of it.

That is beautiful.